


The Truth and Other Inconveniences

by annelesbonny



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Gratuitous Bed Sharing, Idiots in Love, M/M, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2015-11-24
Packaged: 2018-05-03 04:11:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5276036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annelesbonny/pseuds/annelesbonny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>March, 1977, Hogwarts, sixth year. Remus has a date. AKA Sirius has a lot of feelings, James offers advice, Peter falls off a bed, Marlene is as gay as everyone thinks she is, and Lily Evans knows everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Truth and Other Inconveniences

The Truth and Other Inconveniences

 

Remus’ life could reasonably be described as a Series of Important Things That Happened When it Rained. Fenrir happened in the rain, a storm actually, lightning crackling across the sky like the forked tongue of a monstrous snake. His Hogwarts letter arrived on a rainy, summer day, the heat and humidity finally breaking on the heels of the cool shower. They finished the map to the sound of thunder and fat drops of rain splattering the windows in the library, the first of the inky blobs crawling across carefully, laboriously spelled parchment, Remus’ own spiky handwriting spelling out their names, _James Potter_ and _Sirius Black_ and _Peter Pettigrew_ and _Remus Lupin_.

 

It rained the first time Sirius kissed him.

 

Later, the unimaginable would happen in the rain, death and tears and sick, green light. Screaming at the sky fading to lonely howls at an unchanged moon. But this is not about The End. 

 ***

_March, 1977_

 

“I’m being serious.”

 

“Actually-“

 

“No.” Remus slammed his book closed, a heavy volume on the migration patterns of Thestrals, and glared. “I am tired, Padfoot. _Tired_. It’s trite, it isn’t funny, and frankly, at this point it is just lazy. For Merlin’s sake, man, _do better_.”

 

“I am Sirius.” Sirius blinked innocently. 

 

Remus groaned. Seated across from him, behind his own much smaller pile of books, Sirius grinned and reached over the table between them to flip a strand of Remus’ hair off his forehead. Their corner of the library remained blessedly empty except for a lone Ravenclaw who may have been for days for all she’d moved. 

 

“A classic, dear Moony, do try and show some respect.” Sirius laughed and ducked the book Remus had sent spinning at his head. It tumbled to the floor some meters beyond them, sliding between the stacks. 

 

“Now look what you’ve made me do,” Remus said mildly, debating the merits of fetching the book himself or making Sirius do it.

 

“And in the library too!” Sirius said, voice pitched to Madam Turrell’s shrill, Irish tone, an uncanny and highly useful talent of his. The two of them had led Filch’s cat, an emissary from hell, if one asked Remus who was typically quite fond of cats, on many a wild chase through the castle, stumbling under James’ cloak and shaking with laughter as Sirius grunted words in Filch’s voice. 

 

Remus shot Sirius an unamused look and stood, spelled the book onto the nearest shelf, and neatly rolled up the parchment he had been working on. Regretfully, he shoved the Thestral book into his bag as well. An utterly dull read, but necessary for his final paper on Magical Creatures. Two months until the end of term and professors wasted no time in piling work on their sixth years. Outside, something darker loomed, but in here the darkest horizon looked a lot like final examinations.  

 

“Where you off to now, Moony?” Sirius asked, leaning back on his chair until it groaned in protest, front legs lifting of the floor.

 

Remus looked at him, straight black hair falling well past his collar, swept effortlessly across the arch of his brow to rest with an elegance undeserving of any teenage boy on sharply defined cheekbones. Remus tugged his bag over his shoulder, fiddling with the strap and ignored the hot twist in pit of his stomach, the prickling at the back of his throat that so often accompanied his interactions with Sirius. After so many years, he should be used to it. 

 

Remus smiled faintly. 

 

“As I was trying to tell you before you interrupted with your appalling, not even worthy to be called a pun, think on _that_ , Black…I have a date.”

 

The poor chair shrieked as it slammed back to the floor. 

 

“What? With who?” Sirius paused, brow furrowing. “Is it whom? It doesn’t matter. _Remus_.” Sirius gaped at him. Remus couldn't find it within himself to be offended. Dating for him was…rare. 

 

“It’s a date, Sirius. I’m quite certain you’ve been on one or two yourself?”

 

His voice did not tremble, but his hand, hidden in the folds of his robes, more than made up for that. He clenched it tightly. Remus did not think about the low, possessive tone in which Sirius said his name, always said his name, and how he used to think that it met something, but as he watched Sirius shag his way through every right-leaning male at Hogwarts and probably the nearest lying towns, Remus had forced himself to confront an unfortunate truth.

 

It meant nothing. Sirius simply didn't like to share. 

 

“I’ll be off now,” Remus said, carefully avoiding Sirius’ eyes and preparing to make a beeline for the exit. “Can’t be late.”

 

It was relief, Remus was sure of it, that he felt when Sirius did not stop him. 

 

*

Sirius watched Remus walk away, unable to tear his eyes from the fraying elbow patches on his robes, his throat dry suddenly and useless.

 

“Wait,” he said, too late. The now empty library had nothing to say to him. 

 

Remus had never dated before. Sirius knew there had been a few girls, a few blokes too, but it wasn’t something they talked about, not easily. It had been hard for Sirius at first, who wore his sexuality on his sleeve, out and loud, offensive in lieu of defensive, to understand Remus, who approached his identity as he did a particularly unwanted assignment, quiet with a furrowed brow and beautifully analytical brain. 

 

Sirius screamed in protests while Remus carefully kissed boys behind the greenhouses. 

 

He stood, chair clattering loudly, earning him a hissed reprimand from Madam Turrell, who had manifested from somewhere behind the shelf that was, believe it or not, dedicated entirely to hippogriffs. 

 

“Bloody bat,” Sirius muttered.

 

He slouched out of the library, books discarded and still open on the table. He wouldn’t need them anyways and Remus was no longer here to lecture him on Being Responsible. Because Remus was on a date. 

 

A fucking date. 

 

This situation required James immediately. 

 

*

Remus met Sebastian in an overgrown courtyard on the far side of the castle. He shoved his way through thick, twisting ivy and almost tripped on the reaching, brown roots shoving their way through cracks in the stone. Cursing, he would’ve fallen if it hadn’t been for Sebastian’s hand grabbing his elbow. Remus shoved his hair out of his eyes and smiled. 

 

Sebastian Webb was broad, broader even than Sirius, and his eyes were soft when he looked at Remus. 

 

“Hey,” Remus said, managing to sound only slightly breathless. 

 

Sebastian bent and kissed his cheek. Remus sighed. This is what he could have. Unbidden, he thought of Sirius, his arm thrown around Remus’ shoulder, one hand carelessly curled in his hair, head thrown back, the long line of his throat. 

 

Remus kissed Sebastian, and Sebastian responded immediately, one hand on the small of his back, the other resting warm and heavy on his neck, fingers tangled under his collar. He stopped thinking about Sirius. 

 

“We should go to Hogsmeade.” 

 

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, or even think about the implications accompanying them. 

 

Remus wasn’t like Sirius. He liked boys, and while the boys that he liked knew that he liked boys, he wasn’t entirely sure why the rest of the world also needed to know that he liked boys. After all, he liked girls, too. But Sirius, Sirius was vocal. When the Gay Liberation Front (“Front? What is this, a war? We’ve already got one of those, thanks.”) started in the UK with its own wizarding chapter, Sirius went to every meeting for three months before declaring that ‘inter-organizational politics were detracting from any substantial dialogue’. Remus never forgot the look on James’ face following that particular proclamation, a curious mixture of Bludger-to-the-head and sheer terror of the unknown. Sirius dated publicy, kissed indiscreetly, and fought anyone who made the mistake of judging him for it. Remus never had his courage, not once. 

 

But this thing with Sebastian was good. They met discreetly, they kissed, sometimes they studied together or talked. It was safe, and it was good. Remus didn’t care about public declarations, hated to think that people were looking at him, judging him and Sebastian’s family would cut him off without a second thought if they knew about Remus. 

 

Which brought them back to Hogsmeade and Remus’ regrettable choice of words. 

 

“Not on a date! Well, yes on a date, but you know what I mean right? Fuck, I’m doing this wrong.”

 

Remus buried his head in his hands so he wouldn’t have to see the horrified look in Sebastian’s eyes. He waited. He heard a choking sound, and reluctantly peeked through his fingers. Sebastian was laughing. 

 

Remus shoved him, ignoring his jolt of relieved joy.

 

“You twat, don’t laugh at me!”

 

Sebastian grabbed his hands and with a visible effort, reigned his laughter into a beautiful smile. 

 

“Yes, Remus, I will go out with you. On a _date_.”

 

This time, Remus laughed and when he kissed Sebastian for the second time, something in his chest felt lighter. 

 

*

“You knew Moony was seeing this bloke?” Sirius did not shriek, he thought about shrieking, but ultimately, he did not shriek.

 

James remained unimpressed. He sat cross-legged on his bed, uncharacteristically somber, and gave Sirius a hard look.

 

“Well, he told me, didn’t he?”

 

“Told me too,” Peter supplied unhelpfully from beneath the rather sad looking blanket fort he had constructed across his own bed. 

 

Sirius threw up his hands. 

 

“That’s bloody wonderful, Peter. But why didn’t he tell _me_?” He flopped backwards on his bed with a long sigh. 

 

“Clearly, he considers us better friends,” James’ voice took on a decidedly smug air. 

 

“‘sides, he knew you don’t like the guy.” The Blanket Fort that Was Peter added. 

 

Sirius propped himself up on his elbows, and fixed James with a baleful look. 

 

“Prongs, Moony loves me best and we all know it.”

 

James’ eyebrows rose and rose until they disappeared beneath his hair line. Sirius paused, considering what Peter had said, Remus’ actions in the library, and came to a stunning, entirely ludicrous conclusion.  

 

“Peter, I need to know this more than I have ever needed anything in my life,” Sirius said slowly, staring hard at the blanket fort. “Is Remus fucking Regulus?” 

 

The silence that followed was astounding. James gaped at Sirius, snapped his mouth shut, opened it again. But whatever James had been preparing to say was interrupted by Remus’ sudden arrival. 

 

“What’s this about someone fucking Regulus?” He asked curiously, breezing past Sirius, his eyes landing on James, stunned expression still on his face from the rather bizarre, highly upsettingdirection their conversation had taken. 

 

Sirius couldn’t take it a second longer. The moment Remus let his book bag drop on his bed, Sirius was on him, hands on his shoulders, their faces centimeters apart. 

 

“Remus,” Sirius said, his heart thumping painfully in his chest. 

 

“Sirius?” Remus’ lips parted slightly, shaping his name like a question he wasn’t sure he wanted answered. 

 

“Are you fucking my brother?”

 

“ _What?_ ” Remus shoved him away, but not before Sirius could wonder at the curious mix of disappointment and relief warring on his face. 

 

James positively howled with laughter. Peter’s blanket fort came down around him, and he emerged red-cheeked, tears in his eyes.

 

“This,” James proclaimed. “is the best thing that has ever happened.”

 

“Shut up, James.” Remus and Sirius spoke in tandem, and then stared at each other. 

 

Remus shoved Sirius, and kicked off his trainers with a vengeance. Sirius reached for him. 

 

“Remus, I’m sorry, I had to be sure!” He whined. 

 

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes closed, cheeks flushed an oddly endearing pink. He sighed.

 

“Look, I wanted to tell you, Sirius, but it was never the right time.”

 

Sirius’ heart dropped somewhere in the general vicinity of his stomach. Remus’ hazel eyes, wide and earnest, the faintest pink still colored his cheeks, and Sirius stood, enraptured. Then he started listening to what Remus was saying. 

 

 “-what Regulus and I have is new, it’s fragile, we’re young, we’re in love, but he wants a spring wedding and I’m rather partial to a fall one myself-“

 

This time, Sirius shoved Remus, who stumbled back a step, flushed and laughing. 

 

Between gasps of helpless laughter, James and Peter started supplying their own suggestions for the upcoming Lupin/Black nuptials.

 

“‘course, Padfoot’ll be Moony’s maid of honor.”

 

“Sky blue robes, for the both of you.”

 

“Oh, excellent choice, Prongs.”

 

“Why thank you, Wormtail.”

 

Witness to this horror of his own creating, Sirius collapsed back on his bed, arm thrown dramatically over his eyes. 

 

“Enough!” He protested. “I simply can’t take anymore, the thought of poor Moony, married off to my sod of a brother, cruel and neglectful, to be locked away in a nasty old attic ’til the end of his days.”

 

“We’re in love,” Remus reminded him loftily. 

 

Sirius moved his arm to look up at Remus, who busied himself with his tie. 

 

“I’d forgotten. Good luck then, mate, better men than you have lost more in the pursuit of love.”

 

“Thanks, Padfoot.” There was an odd look in Remus’ eyes. 

 

Only later did Sirius realize that he never did find out who Remus was seeing. 

 

*

Remus hadn’t been on many dates. One or two. Well, one really, as the other one he hadn’t realized was a date until the poor girl tried to kiss him and he jerked back so hard he fell and snapped his wrist. Sirius didn’t stop teasing him about that for a year. Even now, he still gets a glassy, dreamy look in his eyes whenever it comes up. 

 

Now, with only a few minutes before he had to leave the castle to meet Sebastian at The Three Broomsticks, Remus stared hard at his reflection in one of the towering mirrors in the prefect’s bathroom, which he had locked carefully behind him. It wasn’t an abuse of power, really. It was a…borrowing of power. Which he’d put back as soon as he’d finished. 

 

He resumed the struggle with his hair, as the one thing about his appearance that he could maybe manage to make halfway decent. The ugly scar that curled from his cheekbone to the edge of his jaw, blotchy skin, and overall too-skinniness would have to be tolerated. His eyes were alright, he supposed, but his _hair_ -

 

“Preening are we, Moony? Do be careful, it won’t do to have another Prongs running about.”

 

Remus flinched at Sirius’ sudden entrance, the door clanked noisily shut behind him. Remus turned around. 

 

“I’d locked that,” he said mildly. 

 

Sirius waved his hand dismissively.

 

“Never met a locked door I never pried my way into eventually. Come to think of it, met my first boggart that way when I was six.” 

 

Sirius looked thoughtful, and something dark gleamed in his eyes. Remus turned back to the mirror, and ran his hands through his hair one last time, making a small noise of disgust and resigned defeat. 

 

“Yeah? What’d you see?” Remus asked, moving on to the fiddling with his hopelessly shabby robes part of the production.

 

Sirius smiled, razor thin and sharp.

 

“My mother.”

 

Remus’ hands fell to his sides.

 

“Sirius, I-“ 

 

Remus turned around again, but Sirius didn’t give him the chance to finish. Two of his long strides and he stood in front of Remus, tilting his chin. Sirius’ fingers, warm and familiar, moved across his forehead, brushing back and through his hair. Remus stared at Sirius and forgot every reason why that was a Bad Idea. Lip bitten in concentration, Sirius’ eyes never drifted from Remus’ hairline as his fingers pulled his hair this way and that. Remus let him, lost himself for just a second in the feeling of Sirius’ hands in his hair, Sirius close to him in a way that wasn’t an arm around his shoulders, feet propped in his lap, ‘ _Moony, pay attention to me_ ’ kind of way.  

 

The moment broke and Remus remembered to breathe.

 

“There.” Sirius said sounding satisfied and a little strange. 

 

“Am I to your satisfaction, Mr. Black?” Remus asked, stepping around Sirius on shaky legs. He hadn’t been this nervous a few minutes ago. 

 

“Not my satisfaction you should be concerned with, Mr. Lupin.” Sirius said and this time Remus was certain there was something to his voice, something new that trembled like a leaf on the cusp of falling. 

 

Somewhere in Remus’ mind, amid the pleasant buzzing sound that seemed now to fill every corner, he knew he ought to be leaving now if he wanted to get a carriage, but he was looking at Sirius who was looking at him. This act of looking was important, it meant something more than all the other things. 

 

“Remus, I-“

 

The door banged open, the result of one Lily Evans in a hurry.

 

“Remus, are you ready? We’ve got to get going. Marlene’s,” She broke off when she saw Sirius, bright green eyes jumping to Remus and then back to Sirius. “-waiting.” She finished. “Am I interrupting something?”

 

Remus dodged around Sirius, desperately ignoring the color flooding his cheeks and the back of his neck. 

 

“ _No_.” Remus said just as Sirius said, “ _Yes_.”

 

Lily stared, Remus watched in fascinated horror as one auburn eyebrow rose in a perfect arch, a feat he’d only seen watched by James, and a flare of understanding flickered across her face and just as quickly disappeared. 

 

“Well, alright then,” Lily said, smiling brilliantly at Remus. “Shall we go?”

 

Remus nodded. He could feel Sirius staring at him, but he didn’t turn back.

 

“Coming are you, Black?” Lily asked, her tone a careful neutral. 

 

A pause in which Remus told himself not to count the seconds.

 

“No, no I don’t think I am, Evans.”

 

Sirius brushed past both of them on his way out. He didn’t look back.  

 

 

Between her toxic purple hair and penchant for leather clad Muggle girls, Marlene McKinnon was just about the last person one would expect to be Lily Evans’ best friend. The last person being, of course, Severus Snape. Remus liked Marlene, and today, he particularly liked the tiny, swirling galaxies painted on her nails because not only were they exquisitely spelled, they provided an excellent topic of conversation other than the uncomfortable fiasco Lily had just been subjected to in the Prefect’s Bathroom. 

 

Marlene leaned across Lily, who sat between herself and Remus in the tiny carriage, and showed him the wand motion she had used. 

 

“See? Not so much in the wrist, but the fingertips. Bloody brilliant for detail work.”

 

Remus nodded, already filing away the motion to use on the map, some of the deeper parts of the castle still behaved rather finicky. 

 

“Marly’s great with that kind of thing,” Lily said and smiled fondly at Marlene. “Look what she did on mine.”

 

As Remus watched, tiny sunflowers bloomed on each of Lily’s nails. The three of them spent the rest of the ride talking idly about detail spellwork, Lily did a lot of her own modifications. She had a way of seeing pathways and shortcuts that no one else would have thought of, and she was good. The only person who could match her at wandless magic was James, Remus thought and resisted the urge to sigh. Though things had cooled significantly between James and Lily since The Snape Incident of fifth year, he was still hopelessly besotted and she was still hopelessly not.

 

“Thinking about your date, Lupin?” Marlene drawled, hopping down for the carriage before it rolled to a complete stop. “I’ll admit, Webb does have a certain, muscly appeal if one’s into that, which I am decidedly _not_.”

 

Next to Sirius, Marlene’s sexuality was the worst not-kept-secret at Hogwarts. Remus knew for a fact that Sirius had gotten several ludicrous posters of scantily clad Muggle girls from her in a last ditch attempt to piss off his parents. 

 

Remus paled, he’d never told Marlene about Sebastian. Shocked, he turned to Lily. 

 

“You told her?” He asked, hating the sharp sting of betrayal he felt. 

 

“No, I didn’t! Really, Remus, I wouldn’t.” Lily protested earnestly, and gripped his hand. 

 

“She didn’t.” Marlene assured him, a small, self-deprecating smirk on her face. “Which makes her a bloody failure of a best friend to me and a damn good one to you. So cheers, Evans.”

 

The two girls knocked their fists together while Remus watched, bemused. Marlene looped her arm through his and the three of them walked to Hogsmeade, slivers of pale yellow sunlight piercing the overcast sky. 

 

Marlene nudged Remus. 

 

“Honest though, I guessed about your date, and the only bloke you’re with consistently other than Black is Webb.” She said, tucking a strand of short, purple hair behind her ear. “So, process of elimination.”

 

Remus felt himself flush and not only because she’d grouped Sirius and Sebastian together. 

 

“I just- no one else is supposed to know that we’re…together sometimes. His parents-“

 

“I wouldn’t, Lupin. Not ever.” Marlene nudged his ankle, and smiled.

 

“S’not just blokes, though. Girls too.” Remus knew he sounded like a wanker.

 

Marlene, with her close cropped hair and her kohl lined eyes, smiled at him, a softness in her eyes that only comes from understanding, a shared kind of pain. 

 

“I know,” she said softly, and Remus was the first to look away. 

 

Lily and Marlene walked with him to The Three Broomsticks, Lily leaving him with a kiss on the cheek and dragging Marlene behind her, who continued to shout incredibly inappropriate suggestions to Remus. Flushed and laughing, Remus pushed open the door, his nerves forgotten. 

 

His nerves returned, however, when an hour had passed and there was no sign of Sebastian. Remus sipped his now cold tea, his mind flipping through various scenarios, each one worse than the one before it. Had he gotten the time wrong? Had Sebastian? Did something happen? Outside of Hogwarts, the world seemed infinitely more dangerous, witches and wizards disappearing, strange marks in the sky. Right when Remus was working himself into a good panic, a girl wearing an apron and bright green trainers who told him she worked back in the kitchen, slipped him a note. 

 

Remus knew before he opened it.

  

_Lupin,_

 

_Had to miss our meeting._

 

_My apologies,_

 

_S. Webb_  

 

The startling flare of pain, the dull ache of disappointment, _he should have known_. Remus finished his tea. He walked back to the carriages alone. 

 

*

Sirius flicked another piece of paper and it landed perfectly, as all the others before it, in James’ hair. He rather thought it was an improvement on his usual tousled mess of dark curls. Peter gave him a discreet thumbs up. The two of them sat on a couch they had dragged to a far corner of the common room, James propped up against it on the floor, surrounded by dozens of scraps of parchment and a handful of thick books, all with marked pages. He had one quill tucked behind his ear and the end of another in his mouth. He frowned and scribbled something down on the parchment in front of him. 

 

“Merlin, you’re boring today, Prongs.” Sirius complained, arching back across the arm of the couch. 

 

“Homework, Pads. Homework.” James muttered. 

 

Every since his career meeting with McGonagall, James had been in a study-related frenzy. Sirius knew how badly he wanted to be an Auror. Despite being just about the smartest bloke in the whole school, James never stopped having something to prove. To himself, to his parents, to the country that respected his family’s wealth of old gold, but not the color of their skin. Sirius sighed and thought, not for the first time, that James didn’t deserve half the shit the world threw at him. The other half, Sirius could make an argument for. 

 

Hanging upside down from the couch, Sirius spotted Remus stepping through the portrait entrance. He leapt to his feet, heart thudding. Remus was back early, and they’d left something unfinished earlier, and Sirius had a mind to finish it. 

 

“Oi, Remus, come and see this!” Peter called over to him, oblivious. “James has gone and turned into you.”

 

Remus looked at them and Sirius faltered at the expression on his face, a horrible mix of fractured blankness and poorly concealed devastation. All thoughts of their earlier encounter vanished as Sirius committed himself fully and with reckless abandon to _never seeing that fucking expression on Remus’ face again._  

 

“Not-not now, Peter, yeah?” Remus said quietly, but with a beseeching tone that Sirius picked up on at once. “I think I’ll just go have a lie down.”

 

He trudged up the stairs to their dormitory without another word. He hadn’t looked at Sirius once. Sirius felt James and Peter exchanging worried looks behind him. He turned back to them.

 

“I’ll handle this,” he told them, giving James a Look. “Just…stay here.”

 

Sirius ran up the stairs after Remus, taking them two at a time. He pushed open the door. Remus faced the window, his back to the door and Sirius. Suddenly hesitant, Sirius shut the door audibly behind him and Remus tensed. Sirius took a few steps toward him, Remus, he could see now, was trembling. 

 

“Remus?” 

 

Sirius said his name softly, like a prayer and Sirius hadn’t prayed in a long time. Remus took a shuddering breath, and turned around. His eyes red and damp with tears, Sirius realized with a jolt. He held out a note silently, not meeting Sirius’ concerned gaze. 

 

He glanced down at the note, read it once, read it again. Several moments must have passed because Remus finally spoke, small and uncertain. 

 

“I waited for an hour before that showed up. Felt like a bloody idiot. Nice girl who passed it on, though.” He tried to smile, shaky and stubborn.  

 

Sirius looked up, his eyes blazed and his jaw creaked from the force of his teeth grinding together. 

 

“You’re not an idiot. Webb is a fucking coward.” Sirius said tightly. He knew Sebastian Webb from Quidditch, one of Hufflepuff’s beaters, mediocre at best and with a confidence utterly undeserved. 

 

Remus sighed.

 

“Then what does that make me?” He asked.

 

Sirius lifted his chin.

 

“The one that showed up.”

 

Remus huffed, but his lips quirked into a small, genuine smile. 

 

“That’s a pretty low bar, Sirius.”

 

“It isn’t.” Sirius stepped closer, close enough to touch. 

 

He had a few centimeters on Remus, a point of contention between them for years and one Sirius gleefully exploited and which Remus aggressively pretended did not irritate him to no end, but despite his teasing, Remus never seemed small, not before this moment, even curled in the hospital wing after a brutal transformation, there was a streak of defiance in him, beautiful and brighter than any moon. Now, with his shoulders hunched, too thin under his shirt, the scar on his cheek an angry red, he must have been rubbing at it, a habit he only indulged in when particularly distressed, Remus looked lost.

 

Remus hated to be vulnerable. It had taken years for Sirius to bully, cajole, and wiggle his way into every crack in Remus’ defenses. He’d fucking earned it. But Webb, Webb had been given something freely, Remus trusted him, made himself vulnerable for him, and the bastard _didn’t even show up._ Sirius clenched his shaking hands into fists at his sides. He didn’t care about Webb, not now, not when Remus looked like he was about to shake apart in front of him. 

 

Remus’ head dipped forward, and he rested his forehead against Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius felt him take a shaky breath. He rested his hand on the back of Remus’ neck, throat tight with words that he couldn’t say. Not now. 

 

“He wanted to talk to me, after I got back.” Remus admitted, his voice muffled slightly. 

 

“And did you? Talk?” Sirius asked, his thumb rubbing soothing circles into Remus’ skin. 

 

Remus pulled back so he could look up at Sirius, the smallest of distances between them and somehow still uncrossable. 

 

“I ended it. With him, I mean. When we were talking in the corridor, he looked so guilty, so sorry, except he couldn’t stop glancing about like someone was about to jump out at us at any moment. He looked at me all of once, Sirius. I asked him if he was ashamed. Not of us, really, of who he is. All of it. He looked at me like I was mad. Of course, he said. _Of course_. And I realized that I’m not. Ashamed. Not of loving-“

 

He paused, cheeks flushed pink. 

 

“Not of loving the way I do. And I don’t want to be.”

 

The silence that followed brimmed with promises and potential.

 

“Remus,” Sirius said slowly. “I’m going to hug the ever-loving snot out of you right now, alright?”

 

Remus laughed and Sirius smiled crookedly. 

 

“Yeah, alright.”

 

Sirius lunged, wrapping his arms around him with a fierceness that surprised them both and Remus’ laughter turned into a yelp as they fell backwards onto his bed. Remus shoved Sirius off him with a grin, hair mussed up beyond reproach now.

 

“Ger’off me, Padfoot. What do you weigh?”

 

“Rude.” Sirius retorted and settled in next to Remus, who gave him a questioning look.

 

“What?” Sirius asked. “You said downstairs that you wanted to have a lie down.” 

 

He made a show of relaxing back against the pillows while Remus looked at him strangely until Sirius sighed and yanked him down next to him, the lines of their bodies pressed together. Sirius stared resolutely at the canopy above their heads. 

 

“Honestly, Moony, haven’t you ever wanted to have a peaceful lie down with your best mate?” 

 

Sirius gave Remus his best shit-eating grin. Remus rolled his eyes, but his voice was full of fondness. 

 

“That's a little queer, Sirius.” He said the word carefully, tasting it, using it for himself.

 

Sirius barked a laugh.

 

“Well then, it’s a good thing you’re a little queer too.” 

 

Remus snorted and all traces of that terrible blankness and devastation finally vanished from his face. 

 

“Yeah. Good thing.”

 

Before long, Remus was asleep, breathing softly against Sirius’ shoulder, one hand tight around his wrist. Sirius closed his eyes and breathed. 

 

 

Later as Sirius stalked the corridors with dangerous purpose, something black hummed under his skin, something that had no place sharing a bed with a sleeping Remus. Anger was a familiar emotion for him, his constant companion, the howl behind his teeth, the rage gathered between his knucklebones. _Something Black_.

 

Maybe if he was lucky he’d run into Regulus. Not for the first time, Sirius regretted that Bella had graduated some years earlier. Nothing like a good family squabble to settle his nerves. 

 

Fucking Regulus. Fucking Webb. Fucking everything. 

 

Sirius thought about Remus, the worry lines on his face, fainter in his sleep, the curl of his hair on his forehead, the tremble in Sirius’ fingers when he touched his cheek, praying that he wouldn’t wake up, desperately hoping that he would. Then they could settle this thing between them at last. The thing that made Sirius’ hands shake, his breath stutter in his throat, that colored everything he did, everything he touched. 

 

Sirius was a good liar. The inheritance his mother could not keep from him. What was true had little place in his upbringing. The truths he grew up with included _Blood purity mattered above all else_ and _Muggles and muggle-borns are inferior_ , and _Half-breeds should be killed on sight_. 

 

Sirius was eleven when James punched him in the mouth for saying mudblood, fifteen when Lily Evans accidentally performed wandless magic in the middle of Transfiguration class, seventeen when he realized he needed Remus Lupin like he needed his lungs to breathe, something without which life would be impossible. 

 

What was the truth, then, but a series of convenient lies?

 

Sirius found himself near the kitchens, hands still clenched into fists at his sides. The walk had done little to clear his head. Restless anger, irrational and all-consuming, ran alongside his bones to the very tips of his fingers. 

 

A flicker of movement at the other end of the corridor caught his attention. Sirius froze. They’d only met on the Quidditch pitch a handful of times, but recent events had Sirius very aware of Sebastian Webb. His anger surged, like a living thing. A target for his rage, Sirius could only think of Remus’ face, devastatingly expressive eyes convinced of his own unworth. 

 

With a growl low in his throat, Sirius started towards Webb. However, before he could get more than a few meters, a hand, small but strong, grabbed his wrist, yanking him back. 

 

“Oi, what the hell, Evans?” 

 

Sirius glared at Lily, who looked supremely unimpressed and had yet to release his wrist. In fact, her fingers tightened their hold as if expecting him to bolt any moment. Sirius’ eyes fell on her wand held loosely in her other hand and thought better of his escape attempt. 

 

“Don’t be an idiot, Black.” Lily stared at Sirius, then very deliberately let her eyes flicker to Webb, still at the other end of the corridor, in deep conversation with another Hufflepuff. 

 

“About what, exactly?” Sirius said, walking the line between careful and flippant. “You really will have to be more specific.”

 

“Webb. Don’t do it.” She said softly, her fingers pressing into his wrist. “He wouldn’t want it.”

 

Sirius stared at her steadily.

 

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.”

 

“Oh, shut up, Black, and just listen to me.” Lily snapped. “This isn’t about you, it’s not even really about Sebastian. You think I’d try to stop you if I thought he’d hurt Remus on purpose? He’s my friend too.”

 

Sirius knew that Remus and Lily were close in a way that made James jealous and Remus smile one of his brilliant, distracted smiles. He looked away from Lily, jaw working in anger.

 

“Not everyone is like you.” Lily spoke again, this time softer. “People get scared, they give up, and they run away. It doesn’t make them anything other than human.”

 

“It’s cowardly.” Sirius spat, still locked on Webb.

 

“Maybe,” Lily admitted. “But that doesn’t change anything because Remus _wouldn’t want you to do anything to him_.”

 

“He hurt him.”

 

“I know.”

 

“ _I’ve_ hurt him.” He didn't mean to say it, didn't even realize he had been thinking it, but it was true. He was insensitive and abrasive, careening past the hurt look in Remus’ eyes on his way to every bloke that wasn’t him. 

 

“I know.”

 

Sirius finally dragged his eyes away from Webb.

 

“Know everything do you, Evans?”

 

“Sometimes,” she smiled serenely and Sirius saw, for the first time, how James could love her. 

 

He watched Webb disappear around a corner and all the righteous anger he had felt since he’d first seen that horrible, hurt look on Remus’ face now just made him feel useless and deflated. Lily released his wrist and to his surprise, gently touched his arm before stepping back.

 

“So do you charge by the hour or this a one time thing?” Sirius asked, forcing a smirk.

 

Lily’s eyes narrowed, but Sirius thought he saw amusement lurking at the corners of her mouth.

 

“Watch it, Black, you’re lucky I didn’t dock any points.”

 

Sirius sighed loudly and theatrically.

 

“Will that be all, Miss Prefect?”

 

“That’ll be all.”

 

*

Remus woke up alone. He blinked sleepily and missed Sirius’ warmth against his side. His eyes gritty and mouth unpleasantly dry, Remus wondered why he had bothered with the nap at all. He rested his chin on his knees pulled up to his chest and thought about going back to sleep. A dream that was quickly extinguished at the tell tale sound of feet pounding up the stairs. 

 

James fell through the door with none of the grace he possessed on a broom, face alight with laughter at something Peter had said. 

 

“And _then_ she-“ Peter stopped when he saw Remus.

 

Remus smiled wanly. Peter shifted uncomfortably, but James’ eyes flickered over the tight expression on Remus’ face, the protective curl of his arms around his knees and seemed to come to a decision. He promptly threw himself onto his own bed with a loud sigh. 

 

“Moony,” he said solemnly. “I am going to die alone.”

 

The sick, anxious feeling in Remus’ stomach faded somewhat. 

 

“Asked Lily again, did you?” Remus asked, unfolding himself from Sirius’ bed and getting to his feet. 

 

James’ muffled whimper told him all he needed to know. Remus sighed and leaned over to flick him on the head.

 

“Oi!” James glared at him, betrayed.

 

“You’ve got to back off, mate. Do that long enough and who knows? Maybe she’ll forget that you’re a huge prick and then your love can finally bloom.” 

 

Peter snorted and James flicked his hand and charmed a pillow to repeatedly smack him in the face. 

 

“Thanks so much, Remus. Really.”

 

“Anytime, Prongs.” 

 

Remus toed his trainers on and grabbed his cloak. With James and Peter here, he couldn’t go back to sleep, which was probably for the best anyways. Sebastian’s rejection and the end of whatever their relationship had been stung, but it was not what was causing the empty feeling in his chest. That was distinctly Sirius-shaped. 

 

“Where are you going?” Peter asked through a mouthful of pillow. 

 

“Clear my head,” Remus said vaguely.

 

James stopped him before he reached the dormitory door. 

 

“Remus? I just- we’re sorry. About what happened earlier.”

 

Remus took a deep breath and turned. Peter resumed his fight with the relentless pillow, toppling backwards off his bed in a tangle of blankets and muffled curses. James, who had rolled onto his stomach and was picking at the fraying edge of his patchwork quilt, looked at Remus with such an open expression of sympathy, understanding that he couldn’t understand entirely, but trying anyways that he couldn’t help but give him small smile, caught up in a swell of affection for James and his guileless, kind eyes. 

 

“I’m not.”

 

He thought of Sebastian, his shame and fear and self-hatred. Remus didn’t hold that him against, he didn’t hold any of this against him, really, but for once, he wasn’t ashamed. Not of this. Unbidden, he thought of Sirius’ face, his sharp smile.

 

James watched him carefully for a moment, and then nodded. 

 

“Okay.”

 

With a flick of his hand and a whispered word, James’ pillow returned itself to his bed. From the floor Peter gave a weak groan. Remus shook his head.

 

“Thank you, James.”

 

 

The Astronomy Tower was blessedly deserted. Remus climbed the last of the stone steps and breathed in the cool evening, tilting his head back and allowing the rain to pepper his face for a moment before a quick Impervious Charm saved him from the worst of it. He walked to the edge and leaned against the parapet, eyes closed. When he opened them, he would see all of Hogwarts spread out in front of him, a landscape lit with the setting sun, painting the cloud-strewn sky with oranges and pinks before fading into a dusty, purple evening. Perhaps he would see the lights of Hogsmeade, the little warm houses and shops. He’d have to look down eventually, of course, see the steep, unforgiving drop, the sheer edge of the tower. Remus hated heights, truly, but there was something about the tower that made him calm, made him think. The air was clear up here. 

 

He’d left Sebastian and he didn’t know where that left him. He thought about the fierce look in Sirius’ eyes while Remus fumbled through his explanation of the whole, humiliating affair. His fearless grin when he laid down next to Remus on the bed, how he didn’t know, could never know that it meant everything. 

 

Remus opened his eyes and looked down. The shock of seeing the drop went straight down his throat and plummeted into his stomach, twisting and churning itself into knots. He didn’t look away. 

 

“You’re bloody predictable, you know that, Lupin?”

 

Remus startled at the sudden voice, his hands gripped the stone in front of him tightly before he relaxed. His lips quirked into a brief smile before he could stop himself.  

 

“You’re the only one that ever finds me here, Sirius.” He said softly, knowing that Sirius could hear him. 

 

“Guess I know you alright then.”

 

Something in his voice made Remus still. Something hesitant and unsure, utterly Not Like Sirius. 

 

“Guess you do.” 

 

Remus forced his voice to remain steady, but he didn’t turn. Couldn’t quite make himself look at Sirius just yet, see his stupid, soft smile, the one he only had for Remus, the one that made him weak and stupid and 

 

_I never meant to love you like this._

 

“Remus.” Sirius whispered and the world spun.

 

Balling his hands into fists to keep them from shaking, Remus turned around slowly. Stupid stupid stupid. It’s just Sirius, his friend, best friend probably, certainly an Important Person, but _Sirius_.

 

Remus looked at Sirius and it felt like his chest was caving in around his rapidly beating heart, rib bones too shaken to hold him together anymore. Sirius stepped closer, Remus felt the solid stone edge of the tower at his back. A raindrop traced its way down Sirius’ cheek like a tear. 

 

“Where’d you get off to then?”

 

Remus did not look at Sirius’ mouth, or the flash of tongue over his lips. 

 

“Walked around, mostly.” Sirius shrugged. “Ran into Evans.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Sirius took another step. Remus watched his chest rise and fall with each breath. Sirius was wearing a t-shirt with a muggle band name on the front. Remus had been there when he bought it, laughing himself silly as Sirius struggled with proper muggle money. 

 

“I just needed to-“ Sirius broke off with a small, frustrated noise. “I needed to think. About stuff. Important stuff. I didn’t want to disturb you.”

 

To Remus’ fascination and no small amount of bewilderment, Sirius blushed, a faint pink stain across his cheekbones. 

 

“And? What did you think about it?” Remus forced himself to speak even as the words sounded strange and stupid in his head. 

 

“You, mostly.”

 

Remus faltered.

 

“I-what?”

 

They were almost chest to chest now, the centimeters between them pulled taut with tension. 

 

“I’d like to try something, if you wouldn’t mind.” Sirius said, his voice hoarse, his eyes locked on Remus’ own.

 

He nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Sirius tentatively reached out and touched Remus’ cheek and without thinking, Remus turned into his touch, the corner of his mouth brushing Sirius’ palm. He shuddered.

 

The distance between them vanished. 

 

The angle was wrong and their teeth knocked together and as kisses go, they wouldn’t be winning any awards, but Remus rather thought he’d like to live in this moment forever with Sirius’ mouth pressed to his, one hand cradling his face, the other tight on his shoulder. After a moment, Sirius broke the kiss with a small, frustrated sound.

 

“We can do better than _that_.” 

 

He said it with such disgust that it startled Remus into a laugh. He rested his forehead against Sirius’ collarbone, right under his chin. 

 

“I have had better,” Remus admitted with a grin so wide his cheeks ached with it, feeling reckless and brave and high with the kiss still tingling on his lips.  

 

When Sirius kissed him this time, Remus met him halfway, hands curled in the soft fabric of his shirt, damp with rain. Sirius’ arm came up around his waist, his other hand in Remus’ hair. Remus pressed closer, his mouth opening and deepening the kiss. 

 

Abruptly, his Impervious Charm failed, and Sirius laughed against his lips as they were pelted with raindrops. 

 

“Lost your concentration have you, Moony?” Sirius smirked, pulling back just far enough for them to see each other, hair mussed and properly kissed lips.

 

“Shut up,” Remus growled, pulled him close, and kissed him again. 

 

“Not to complain,” Sirius gasped between kisses. “But maybe we should take this inside? I’m soaked through.” He held out his arms as if Remus had not already noticed his shirt, sopping wet and clinging to his chest and shoulders. 

 

Remus shook rain out of his eyes, Sirius’ hands warm on his waist. 

 

“You may have a point,” he admitted. 

 

Together, they stumbled down the stairs and when they reached the bottom and stepped out into the corridor, Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus’ shoulders, an action at once familiar and breathtakingly new. Remus spelled their clothes dry, heart hammering now that they were inside, that this was _real_. They were no longer atop a tower, kissing in the rain. 

 

“I can hear you worrying.”

 

“I’m not worrying.”

 

“You really are.”

 

“ _Sirius_.”

 

They were still alone for now, but already Remus could hear the sound of approaching voices and footsteps. They’d managed to miss dinner. 

 

“I want to do this proper, Remus.” Sirius looked at Remus, dark eyes blown wide, the raw look on his face, vulnerable, open, wanting, left Remus breathless. 

 

“Okay,” Remus said, and Sirius seemed not to notice at first, already showing the early signs of what was sure to be a grand speech about all the ways he wanted to ‘do this proper, Remus’.

 

Remus touched his wrist, delighted in the thrill sent up his spine. 

 

“Okay,” he repeated, and this time Sirius froze, he opened his mouth and then closed it again. 

 

“You had a whole speech planned, didn’t you?” Remus couldn’t help but ask, smirking in spite of his own blush. 

 

“It was good, too.” Sirius told him mournfully and Remus patted his arm consolingly. 

 

“You do tend to get a bit long-winded sometimes.”

 

“Well.” Sirius huffed and Remus smiled. 

 

At that moment, Marlene skidded around a corner, caught sight of them, and stopped dead. She cocked her head, studying them. Suddenly, she grinned. 

 

“Oh.” She said. “ _Oh nice_. Way to go, Lupin.” She winked. 

 

Remus groaned and hid his burning face in his hands. Sirius pressed his hand to the small of his back, warm and reassuring. 

 

“Fuck off, McKinnon.” Sirius said lightly. 

 

Marlene’s grin broadened and she shot Sirius two enthusiastic, slightly sardonic thumbs up, backing up and disappearing again the way she’d come. 

 

Remus nudged Sirius in the side and when Sirius looked at him, eyebrows raised in a question, Remus smiled and it felt rather brilliant. 

 

“Fancy getting a bite with me then?”

 

Sirius smirked, none of the light in his eyes dimming. 

 

“Only if you’re buying, mate.”

 

Remus laughed, and they smiled like idiots. It seemed to Remus in that moment, that just maybe, everything would be alright. 

 

 

 

 

 

There are no happy endings.

Endings are the saddest part,

So just give me a happy middle

And a very happy start.  

 

~ _Happy Ending?_ , Shel Silverstein

 

**Author's Note:**

> SO THIS HAPPENED. Poem by Shel Silverstein. Also, queerkybarnes.tumblr.com. I'm on there a lot.


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